Jared, you suck — it’s cosmic, it’s true,
A black hole of failure that pulls the room through.
Every word from your mouth is pure fucking pain,
Like static, like nails, like piss in the rain.

You’re the screw-up that everyone steers clear,
A walking disaster, the worst fucking gear.
So here’s to your nonsense, your shame, and your sneer
Jared fucking sucks, now buy me a beer.